Eastman & Laird’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Mirage Studios Volume 1, Issue 5
Story & Art by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird
Read it at NinjaTurtles.com

Their Hidden Shame

I’ve ignored it for too long. For decency, for youth-market accessibility, for whatever reason. But it’s gotten ridiculous. No longer can I go on, ignoring the mutant elephant in the room, making my little “jokes” and pretending like everything’s just fine. It must be addressed.

So, yes: Eastman & Laird gave the Turtles dicks.

It’s not a big deal, if you really think about it. They’re teenage boys, their hormones are running wild these days. Their developing bodies are unfamiliar and frightening to them. It’s completely natural — beautiful, really. And where exactly were they supposed to learn the societal norms regarding nudity? They were raised in a sewer.

In a sewer by a rodent who was already well past his prime, for that matter. Screw societal norms, where were they supposed to learn nature’s natural norms? Shit, Splinter lived his pre-mutation life in a little cage — what could he possibly know of the birds and the bees? Especially the reptilian birds and bees? I’m sure he was a wonderful teacher, but I just don’t think he would be as comfortable and prepared for health classes as he would be for Throwing Star class or, say, 14th-Century Dismemberment Techniques class. The only insight into adult humanoid physicality he’d have would’ve come from those soft-focus nights when Hamato Yoshi and Tang Shen would slide the paper doors shut, slip out of their kimonos, and engage in some timid, respectful Japanese lovemaking. On the other hand, normal rat Splinter did learn the art of ninjitsu through mimickry, so who knows what other of Master Yoshi’s moves he may have picked up. Maybe horny cougar April is pitching to the wrong mutant.

What’s important is that we not judge the Grotesqueries for their exposed members. They grew up in a different world than us, with different rules, different values. And maybe they just haven’t figured out how to retract their units yet, or when it’s appropriate to retract. Maybe it’s a phase, and they’ll grow out of it.

But some executive-types are obviously afraid of the natural semi-human body, because in all of the many adaptations the TMNT have seen, never did their dinks make the cut. Observe:

1987 Murakami-Wolf-Swenson Animated Series

1988 Playmates Action Figures

1990 New Line Cinemas Film

1991 Konami Video Game

Horrible 1997 Live Action Saban TV Series

2003 Fox/4Kids Animated Series

2007 Imagi Film

Not a prick to be found, and I for one think that’s shameful. Are we trying to deny the existence of turtle genitalia here? Does anyone really believe this is the solution to the problem of teenage mutant pregnancy? Fostering ignorance is never the answer, you prudish, repressed mongers of fear. I’m looking at you, organized religion.

But all hope is not lost. Behold, the shapely caboose of Leonardo for the 2008 NECA line of Mirage Vol. 1-inspired TMNT toys:

“Progress” is what they call that.