Eastman & Laird’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Mirage Studios Volume 1, Issue 12
Story & Art by Peter Laird
Read it at NinjaTurtles.com

Squeal Like a Mutant Pig

Writing stories sure is tough.  You gotta invent characters, you gotta put them in situations, there’s personal crisis and plot conflict and payoff and resolution and arc.  Then, after you’ve jammed all that crap in, you’ve gotta concern yourself with making it original.

Which is the hardest part of all, because as well all know, there are only five basic stories to be told.  Man vs. Himself, Man vs. God, Man vs. Society, that stuff.  Though modern times have made things easier, allowing a number of technology-based conflicts into the mix.  I’m talking of course about Man vs. Clone of Himself, Man vs. Robot God, Man vs. Zombie Society, etc.  In this manner, the accidental unearthing of mutants in 1908 has been of incredible benefit to the storytelling community.  As well, the discovery that females also have arc- and crisis-ready personalities literally doubled the storytelling possibilities.  I don’t want to sound like a bandwagon-hopper, but I believe the Woman vs. Supersoldier conflict was long overdue.

Just as you decide on the conflict, you must also decide on the setting.  Though please, don’t interpret this to mean conflict must be decided upon first.  In fact, that’s not the standard case I wish to address today, but rather its inverse: when setting, also known as “milieu” comes first, you’ll find your options for conflict have been limited.  Thus, forcing a milieu (we’ll refer to it by this foreign-sounding and thus more impressive word from here on in) upon yourself actually ups the ante in terms of storytelling challenge.  Accomplishing even the most basic of plot resolutions therefore becomes admirable, regardless of how horrible a story it may be.

Say you’re going for some kind of naturalist theme, you want to tell the story-hungry how trees are better than lampposts (a popular stance though one I personally do not agree with).  You select as your milieu a forest.  Very smart, because already you’ve now decided on a style of story.

Having your protagonists (traditionally Man, though potentially also Woman, Friendly Robot, or Mutant Turtle) in a forest tells me this will be a story of Isolation.  A fine choice indeed.  Your characters will want help, but they will not be able to get help, for they are isolated.

And so are we all.  That’s called a metaphor.

We have our protagonists, or “heroes,” or “herotagonists,” all alone in the dark forest, out of contact, as they are miles from the nearest phone, and we all know carrier pigeons are city-bred, when — hey, what’s that sound?  It’s conflict. Most commonly in the form of some group that wants to kill them.

But which group?  There are several options, and they have a hierarchy:

1. Ninja
2. Zombie
3. Robot
4. Parasite
5. Werewolf
6. Lone Psychopath (Note: not technically a group)
7. Demon-Possessed Animal
8. Traditional, Creature-Like Vampire
9. Foreigner
10. Modern, “Sexy” Vampire
11. Hillbilly
12. Ghost

Groups not listed include: Nazi, Demon-Possessed Plant, Tiger, Sasquatch/Yeti, Cultist, Pervert, Rabid Dog,  Religious Zealot. Reasons for their exclusion include: Lack of Data, Statistical Inconsistency, Bigotry, Nepotism, Limited List Space.

It’s a fine list, no question, though there is one item I’ve always held issue with.  Coincidentally (were this the write-up for the previous issue) that item is #11.

Hillbilly.

They come from noble origins, their line descending from a “quickie” held atop Senlac Hill in 1066, during the Battle of Hastings, when King William I was seduced by a skilled Norman prostitute who had secretly donned the armour of the French army specifically to obtain “La Graine du Conquérant,” as it was so covetously known by the whores of the time. Despite this pedigree, I personally am not fond of the hillbilly as villain.

Why not?  This entry is already a bit lengthy, so what’s say I answer that titillating question next time?