Eastman & Laird’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Mirage Studios Volume 1, Issue 14
Story by Kevin Eastman
Art by Kevin Eastman & Eric Talbot
Read it at NinjaTurtles.com

In Which I Struggle With Mediocrity (Not My Own)

You may have attributed the record eight-month hiatus I’ve taken from this project to a world of distractions, from economic difficulties at home and abroad to the neverending struggle to keep my goddamn sink clear of dirty dishes.  It’s true, I’ve had a lot on my plate.

But I know my priorities, and the truth is, I have indeed devoted time each and every day since October 24th, 2008 to this webspace, deliberating with singular focus on what to say about issue 14, “The Unmentionables.”  Over eighty drafts completed or near-completed, but it was never quite right.  I just couldn’t find the angle.

But I’ve nailed it.  I just needed to take a step back, get out of my head and see this issue of TMNT, and by extension, the world, from a new perspective.  When finally I did, I realized just what it was that had blocked me: this issue is so bad.

I know I’ve mentioned it before, maybe in a footnote or in hovertext, that sometimes Turtles books come up a little short in the storytelling department, but there’s always been something in each book’s “Pros” column.  Usually thanks to keeping it simple, the dumb, contrived scenario isn’t really a problem — lame plots are forgivable when they’re so threadbare they become background.  As an added bonus, you can sprinkle in some kwazy monster/alien designs for spice.  A sprinkling of ninja brawl works wonders, as well.

This issue features no such.  It’s supposed to be some kind of pastishe noir hommage mais en fin c’est juste une histoire ennuyeuse avec un vache volée et dais espions internationaux retenus dans le trafic d’objet fabriqué.  Mais, qu’est-ce qui vient  d’arriver ici?  J’ai écrit en français?  Ah, mon dieu.

The worst part is, this is a Casey Jones story.  How could they do this, give Casey his first real story in stage centre and botch it so?  (And just to let you know, our old friend Coincidence is welcomed back here, this time working in conjunction with that most least-exciting of plot advancement tools, Accidentally Overheard Conversations.  Twice!)

But I’m not too worried.  Casey will get his due.  I seem to remember a story yet to come about a certain trans-dimensional highway of hideous, speed-addicted freaks that treated Mr. Jones with dignity and respect.  The story, not the freaks.  The freaks were disrespectful, and therein lies the conflict.  Or will.

And the books in general may have some more to offer up soon.  The upcoming three-issue arc Return to New York is widely regarded by the Horrible Fan Community as one of the finest of the TMNT oeuvre, and it’s only six issues away.  But I don’t know how optimistic I can get.  At this point, what am I expecting from the cream of the E&L crop?  Let’s take a look:

Coincidence!
What other wrong places could the Turtles find themselves in … and will they be at the wrong times?  Or right?

Synergy!
Which other funnybook characters, both established and just-waiting-to-be-established, might our smash-hit indie characters run into?  Asterix?  American Splendor?  Some kind of dinosaur bounty hunter character?

Random Monsters!
A giant caterpillar monster wants to drag Leonardo into its stone cocoon?  A giant caterpillar from the future?  And its army of dino-ogres?

The Word Goongala!
What will Donatello shout as he bo-pegs himself to climax?  What will Splinter exclaim as he drops a sugar cube into his tea?

Prophecy!
What future tragedy or consumer trend will E&L have seen coming this time?  The death of Princess Diana?  File sharing?  B-list celeb-based reality TV?

Needless Personal Shout-Out!
Who will E&L feel the need to nod their hats at and wink to this time?  Will it be another personal hero?  Will it be a place or activity from their own hometowns?  Will it be this Chet guy again?

My anticipation is so intense I hope I get around to writing about it before 2015.