Eastman & Laird’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Mirage Studios Volume 1, Issue 15
Story & Art by Peter Laird
Read it at NinjaTurtles.com

Sigh

And here we are again, back to normal.  That brief experiment with quality storytelling scared me just a little bit.  But here we’ve got a Classic Laird outing that features all the standards:

Casey and a couple of the boys are browsing the comic book shelves (Pointless Personal Taste Insertion) when the shop is suddenly attacked (Lazy Coincidence) by weird little robots (Plot Following Character Design).  But they’re not there for the Turtles, no — seems the comic shop owner and his employees are all retired superheroes (Pointless Personal Taste Insertion + Lazy Coincidence + Plot Following Character Design + Fundamentally Retarded Story Idea).

Then there’s a big hero vs. robot fight scene at a farmhouse and a fucking crazy ending where the former-superhero-now-supervillain orchestrating it all is defeated by the daughter of the superheroine whom he once loved from afar, and then the supervillain, who set this robot attack up in the first place just to get another shot with the it-turns-out-dead-three-years superheroine he loved, decides with a shrug to change his spots back to superhero.  It’s ridiculous and lame, and I say this as a 30-year-old writing a Ninja Turtles blog.

It all makes me wonder: is this a mistake?  Re-reading the collection, is it going to taint the sweet nostalgia and destroy my love for this property?  Am I at risk of actually facing up to the possible reality that the things I loved when I was a child aren’t really at the highest echelon of human artistic achievement?

Could He-Man < Shakespeare?  It seems unlikely, I know.  But still, what if?

Worse still, I’m forcing myself to think critically about these books by writing this accursed blog.  I suspect that, were I merely breezing through, I could dismiss the crimes of E&L’s work while zeroing in solely on the triumphs.  But instead I’ll be dedicating precious Internet space to reviewing each issue — to its very minutiae — requiring absolute and total commitment to reading every stanza from each of Hall’s three interpretive positions: dominant (Turtles is good); oppositional (Turtles is bad); and negotiated (Turtles is I don’t know).

Cumulative over time, my findings are bound to be filled with enough damning evidence to dull the shine.  And for some stupid reason I’ve elected to go with a “snarky” tone for these reviews, and snark and praise don’t tend to fit together.

I’ve doomed myself.  By the date of project completion (estimate: August 1, 2092), I will be utterly and absolutely disgusted by these characters.  I will find no charm in their absurdity, no thrill in their violence, no pleasure in their weird inter-species sexual undertones.  This is seriously depressing.

So do I stop?  Do I refuse to go on any further, and despite the time and money spent on assembling this collection, not actually read any more of my TMNT books?  (Before you offer your obvious protestations, this wouldn’t necessarily mean stopping the project.  I can gather enough ideas from memory and cover shots to spin some blogged gold.)

It would mean only that I would never complete my life journey.  Never reading the complete collection of TMNT books — from E&L’s Mirage to Archie’s Adventures to that Japanese shit that’s gonna be impossible to track down — would only mean remaining incomplete as a man through my dying days.  Is that the price I’m willing to pay to avoid the chance of not really digging the franchise when I finally reach that end?

But wait, that’s not right at all.  The fear is not, and never was, the fear of admitting to myself that the TMNT ain’t so great; it’s the fear of admitting that to others.  I can keep reading and go right on, carefree in a land of put-on positivity.

Or better yet, I can keep writing these things with their typical sarcasm, outright mocking every detail I can, yet always assuring the reader that I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NONE OF IT AND LOVE IT ALL COMPLETELY.  Then when I do get to a genuine bit of hate, you can’t tell.  It’s like how I hide my genuine self-loathing in a veil of self-deprecating humour.  Nobody’s the wiser!

(P.S. Yes, you’re wondering why this #15 came out after #16.  It wasn’t my doing.  E&L put them out in this order back in ’88, because the awesome Mark Martin awesomely beat the … beat Peter Laird to the printers, so they decided to just put it out rather than have the kids all waity for the next issue.  Doesn’t matter to me; I got them both in the late ’90s.)

It Was Fated to Happen Eventually

I take it all back.  Everything I said about E&L possessing only simplistic, placeholder storytelling abilities, about their writing consisting of mostly uninventive, trite templates for their wackadoo nonsense character ideas.  And everything I said about their inability to tie plot conflict to emotional conflict.  And everything about their repeated failure to pull off humour.  Okay, I never said those last two, but I should’ve.

But I see I was wrong.  This little one-off, completely untied it seems to the current story continuity, is genuinely inventive.  There’s an actual, interesting sci-fi story at its core, one that doesn’t serve merely to set up why the earth is being besieged by dino-alien-bots.  It’s a story for its own sake.

And wait, that’s not all at all — this book does character well.  Not the Turtles themselves, who are served up as a completely interchangeable group of goofy brothers (though it’s completely appropriate to serve them up this way in this story), but the new character — a time-travelling little genius girl — is instantly completely charming and cute and good.  She is a full character introduced effectively and layered through dialogue and action.

So what happened?  Even the art style — take a look at those frames I’ve scanned and posted in a completely non-profit, fair-use kind of way.  Why have E&L suddenly changed not only their storytelling abilities, but also their art styles?  If I didn’t know better, I’d say … Wait a minute.

Oh, now I see.  Well, I think I can salvage this.  I was praising E&L for … well, not for suddenly taking their authorial duties seriously, but for … for letting other people have a stab at it?  Yeah, I think that’ll do.

Good on them for letting the other kids play with their toys.  It’s really good to see creators who aren’t threatened by what others can do with their characters — some may worry that outsiders could better their own work, expose their success as a lucky stroke of autistic genius, one desperately in need of the molding of stronger minds.  Some insecure types may fear being one-upped on their own turf, but one thing E&L have never been is insecure.  Whether justified or not.

This isn’t actually the first time they’ve turned the reigns over to someone else, and it shan’t be the last.  In fact, a little bird tells me that this great issue’s author, Mr. Mark Martin, will be back again in the not-too-distant future.  By which I mean the past future of when this issue was published when his next issue would be published, not the current future of now when my post about his next issue will be posted.  That could reasonably be an entirely-too-distant future.

But it’s good that they got him and it’s good that he’ll be back, because I’m keen on him.  On top of the story and character work, this book is really goofy-witty, loaded with playful dialogue and fun art sprinkled with corner-of-the-panel gags.  I recommend it for anyone who enjoys enjoying enjoyable things.

In Which I Struggle With Mediocrity (Not My Own)

You may have attributed the record eight-month hiatus I’ve taken from this project to a world of distractions, from economic difficulties at home and abroad to the neverending struggle to keep my goddamn sink clear of dirty dishes.  It’s true, I’ve had a lot on my plate.

But I know my priorities, and the truth is, I have indeed devoted time each and every day since October 24th, 2008 to this webspace, deliberating with singular focus on what to say about issue 14, “The Unmentionables.”  Over eighty drafts completed or near-completed, but it was never quite right.  I just couldn’t find the angle.

But I’ve nailed it.  I just needed to take a step back, get out of my head and see this issue of TMNT, and by extension, the world, from a new perspective.  When finally I did, I realized just what it was that had blocked me: this issue is so bad.

I know I’ve mentioned it before, maybe in a footnote or in hovertext, that sometimes Turtles books come up a little short in the storytelling department, but there’s always been something in each book’s “Pros” column.  Usually thanks to keeping it simple, the dumb, contrived scenario isn’t really a problem — lame plots are forgivable when they’re so threadbare they become background.  As an added bonus, you can sprinkle in some kwazy monster/alien designs for spice.  A sprinkling of ninja brawl works wonders, as well.

This issue features no such.  It’s supposed to be some kind of pastishe noir hommage mais en fin c’est juste une histoire ennuyeuse avec un vache volée et dais espions internationaux retenus dans le trafic d’objet fabriqué.  Mais, qu’est-ce qui vient  d’arriver ici?  J’ai écrit en français?  Ah, mon dieu.

The worst part is, this is a Casey Jones story.  How could they do this, give Casey his first real story in stage centre and botch it so?  (And just to let you know, our old friend Coincidence is welcomed back here, this time working in conjunction with that most least-exciting of plot advancement tools, Accidentally Overheard Conversations.  Twice!)

But I’m not too worried.  Casey will get his due.  I seem to remember a story yet to come about a certain trans-dimensional highway of hideous, speed-addicted freaks that treated Mr. Jones with dignity and respect.  The story, not the freaks.  The freaks were disrespectful, and therein lies the conflict.  Or will.

And the books in general may have some more to offer up soon.  The upcoming three-issue arc Return to New York is widely regarded by the Horrible Fan Community as one of the finest of the TMNT oeuvre, and it’s only six issues away.  But I don’t know how optimistic I can get.  At this point, what am I expecting from the cream of the E&L crop?  Let’s take a look:

Coincidence!
What other wrong places could the Turtles find themselves in … and will they be at the wrong times?  Or right?

Synergy!
Which other funnybook characters, both established and just-waiting-to-be-established, might our smash-hit indie characters run into?  Asterix?  American Splendor?  Some kind of dinosaur bounty hunter character?

Random Monsters!
A giant caterpillar monster wants to drag Leonardo into its stone cocoon?  A giant caterpillar from the future?  And its army of dino-ogres?

The Word Goongala!
What will Donatello shout as he bo-pegs himself to climax?  What will Splinter exclaim as he drops a sugar cube into his tea?

Prophecy!
What future tragedy or consumer trend will E&L have seen coming this time?  The death of Princess Diana?  File sharing?  B-list celeb-based reality TV?

Needless Personal Shout-Out!
Who will E&L feel the need to nod their hats at and wink to this time?  Will it be another personal hero?  Will it be a place or activity from their own hometowns?  Will it be this Chet guy again?

My anticipation is so intense I hope I get around to writing about it before 2015.

The Tortoise and the Theoretical Physicist

Hey, take a look over there to the right.  See where it says something about “write a little something, a few times a week”?  (You don’t? Yeah, I changed it. Why? Because…) Yeah, I haven’t really been living up to that.

I have no great excuse.  Other things come up and I just put the latest Eastman & Laird spine-tingler aside, telling myself I’ll get to it this weekend.  Then this weekend comes, and I’m distracted by charity work and tending to my horses and elk.

Motivation shouldn’t be a problem.  I enjoy writing these, and I enjoy reading the TMNT books.  For some reason.  And while sure, I’m not getting much along the lines of feedback, I never expected to.  You don’t write on the Internet to garner fame and adulation.  Though I have been comment section drunk-dialed.

What will it take to get me back in gear, back to those glory days when my failure to live up to the original schedule could be measured in days, not months?  How to break free from this slump?

First, we must identify the slump.  I thought this would easy enough, a world of knowledge being at my fingertips as it is, but I was mistaken, for one area where Wikipedia is sorely lacking is in a page on types of slumps.  I must pursue the answer by myself.

Is it existential?  No, I’m as confident of my existence as I ever was.

Is it economical?  I know the world as a whole is facing troubled times, but I’m personally more stable than I was when I started this project.

Is it epistemological?  Unlikely, as I don’t even know what that means.

Then is it temporal?  Yes, I think that’s the one.  These last few months, I’ve really felt like I’ve had less time in my day-to-day to do things, specifically things like writing for blogs, as well as writing for various archaic, non-blog formats.

But I’m not sure why that is.  I return home from a hard day’s work (my job, for those curious: improving the world), and things aren’t all that different.  There is nothing new or unusual on my plate these days; in fact, I’d say I’ve got a few fewer things to take care in my eveningtimes.  And still I can’t squeeze in a decaminute here and there to read a comic book and write some easy jokes about it?  It doesn’t make sense.

Unless there’s a larger force at work here.  Could it be that we’re bearing witness to a modern Einsteinian time dilation?  Could an incredible decrease in the mass of some nearby celestial object, as relatively predicts, have sped up time?  Is this proof that the sun is dying out?  Or that the Earth itself is somehow shrinking?  That’s the kind of shit a wizard would pull.

If these theories are true, then surely the end is nigh.  And even nigher than we might think, if you consider that time speeding up is a symptom of this end.  So that’s probably the worst part of all this.  But second-worst has got to be the effect it’s having on this page; the frequent delays are a bitch, and on top of that, I’ve kinda forgotten what I wanted to say.

In my Issue 12 post, I promised that I would explain here why I had problems with using hillbillies as a villainous “other,” hell-bent on destroying the purity and goodness of our heroes, whomever they may be.  Well, when I churned out that post, I had big plans, I was going to whip up something good which would vindicate rednecks once and for all for all o’ y’all.  I knew exactly what I was going to say.  But now it’s gone.

Squeal Like a Mutant Pig

Writing stories sure is tough.  You gotta invent characters, you gotta put them in situations, there’s personal crisis and plot conflict and payoff and resolution and arc.  Then, after you’ve jammed all that crap in, you’ve gotta concern yourself with making it original.

Which is the hardest part of all, because as well all know, there are only five basic stories to be told.  Man vs. Himself, Man vs. God, Man vs. Society, that stuff.  Though modern times have made things easier, allowing a number of technology-based conflicts into the mix.  I’m talking of course about Man vs. Clone of Himself, Man vs. Robot God, Man vs. Zombie Society, etc.  In this manner, the accidental unearthing of mutants in 1908 has been of incredible benefit to the storytelling community.  As well, the discovery that females also have arc- and crisis-ready personalities literally doubled the storytelling possibilities.  I don’t want to sound like a bandwagon-hopper, but I believe the Woman vs. Supersoldier conflict was long overdue.

Just as you decide on the conflict, you must also decide on the setting.  Though please, don’t interpret this to mean conflict must be decided upon first.  In fact, that’s not the standard case I wish to address today, but rather its inverse: when setting, also known as “milieu” comes first, you’ll find your options for conflict have been limited.  Thus, forcing a milieu (we’ll refer to it by this foreign-sounding and thus more impressive word from here on in) upon yourself actually ups the ante in terms of storytelling challenge.  Accomplishing even the most basic of plot resolutions therefore becomes admirable, regardless of how horrible a story it may be.

Say you’re going for some kind of naturalist theme, you want to tell the story-hungry how trees are better than lampposts (a popular stance though one I personally do not agree with).  You select as your milieu a forest.  Very smart, because already you’ve now decided on a style of story.

Having your protagonists (traditionally Man, though potentially also Woman, Friendly Robot, or Mutant Turtle) in a forest tells me this will be a story of Isolation.  A fine choice indeed.  Your characters will want help, but they will not be able to get help, for they are isolated.

And so are we all.  That’s called a metaphor.

We have our protagonists, or “heroes,” or “herotagonists,” all alone in the dark forest, out of contact, as they are miles from the nearest phone, and we all know carrier pigeons are city-bred, when — hey, what’s that sound?  It’s conflict. Most commonly in the form of some group that wants to kill them.

But which group?  There are several options, and they have a hierarchy:

1. Ninja
2. Zombie
3. Robot
4. Parasite
5. Werewolf
6. Lone Psychopath (Note: not technically a group)
7. Demon-Possessed Animal
8. Traditional, Creature-Like Vampire
9. Foreigner
10. Modern, “Sexy” Vampire
11. Hillbilly
12. Ghost

Groups not listed include: Nazi, Demon-Possessed Plant, Tiger, Sasquatch/Yeti, Cultist, Pervert, Rabid Dog,  Religious Zealot. Reasons for their exclusion include: Lack of Data, Statistical Inconsistency, Bigotry, Nepotism, Limited List Space.

It’s a fine list, no question, though there is one item I’ve always held issue with.  Coincidentally (were this the write-up for the previous issue) that item is #11.

Hillbilly.

They come from noble origins, their line descending from a “quickie” held atop Senlac Hill in 1066, during the Battle of Hastings, when King William I was seduced by a skilled Norman prostitute who had secretly donned the armour of the French army specifically to obtain “La Graine du Conquérant,” as it was so covetously known by the whores of the time. Despite this pedigree, I personally am not fond of the hillbilly as villain.

Why not?  This entry is already a bit lengthy, so what’s say I answer that titillating question next time?

]]> http://culturatmnti.wordpress.com/2008/08/09/12-september-1987/feed/ 2 Beal If only Bambi's mother had thought to hide on the hunter's shoulders. I would store a nuclear device someplace dry. You know damn well Don will try it with a banana. http://culturatmnti.wordpress.com/2008/07/13/11-june-1987/ http://culturatmnti.wordpress.com/2008/07/13/11-june-1987/#comments Sun, 13 Jul 2008 23:01:55 +0000 Beal http://culturatmnti.wordpress.com/?p=40 ]]> Eastman & Laird’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Mirage Studios Volume 1, Issue 11
Story & Art by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird
Read it at NinjaTurtles.com

Dear Diary

June 18, 2008: What a day!  Decided to write this review in a diary style to commemorate/mock how #11 was done.  After escaping the Foot, the Turtles, Splinter, Casey, and April hide out at Casey’s unused Northhampton farm, where April writes down all her thoughts about her strange new friends in her journal.  She’s so sensitive!!  Oh, and I tried that new fish sandwich at that little shop near work — amazing!!!

June 20, 2008: Things have really slowed down for me.  Did a little shopping today, got a haircut.  I think I might go see that weird-looking movie about Winnipeg, but maybe not, because it looks so weird.  There’s just not much going on these days.  Kinda like in #11: they’re just hanging around the farm, training or fixing the truck.  Pretty dull.

June 24, 2008: Got stuck in the subway for an hour today, which sucked, but I got to thinking … I can’t believe it’s been so long since I did any travelling!  I saw all kinds of interesting places back then, but now here I am and it’s the same thing over and over.  I guess the Turtles are feeling it, too — they used to gallivant across galaxies with their robot friends, but now all they see is barn walls and trees.  But I know they’ll be all right, and if they can make it through, then so can I!!

June 26, 2008: Finally, something interesting happened!  I was walking down Yonge Street, when I saw this deer, and I decided to kill it.  But it fought back, and after a heck of a scrap, and a heap of mutual respect, we went our separate ways.  Though I wonder if I let it go out of compassion, or weakness … Kidding!! ;-P Actually, all this happened to Leonardo.  Poor guy, getting beat up by the Foot really did a number to his confidence.  I hope he’ll be all right…

June 27, 2008: It’s my birthday!!!!  What did you get me, diary?  Where’s my cake!!  ( Kidding!! ;-P )

July 3, 2008: Wow!  Has it really almost been a week since my last entry?  Crazy!  I hope you haven’t been feeling neglected the way April has, diary.  Poor girl (sorry, woman!  Not very PC, whoops!!) was attacked by ninjas and lost her home and now she has to hide out in this strange old farm with five monsters and that Casey Jones thug she barely knows (but he’s pretty cute, right April?).  And with the Turtles all having their own problems and doubts, who’s she to turn to for support?   I guess that’s what diaries are for, right diary?  At least they’ve got hot water now — Way to go Donatello!!!

July 6, 2008: I’m sorry, diary, but I think I’m going to have to end this relationship.  You’re a great diary, don’t get me wrong, but I just don’t like the person I become when I’m with you.  Plus, I can’t help but notice this relationship is one-sided.  And I’ve been sleeping with your sister.  What I’m trying to say is get your shit, all your clothes and your unicorn memorabilia, and get out. I am not kidding.

July 13, 2008: Finally, that old diary is gone.  Now it’s just you and me, new diary.  ;-)

Tragedy Un-Struck

It seems my intent of getting one or more of these out a week hasn’t quite been pulled off.  Things have been busy of late here on the farm, with the silo tipping over and so many of my animals coming down with species-specific varieties of pox.  Hopefully that’s all done with now, and I can get back to what’s important.

It also seems that somewhere in the gulf of time since I posted the Leonardo #1 non-review that you monsters responded to by kicking me while I was down, ninjaturtles.com took pity and put up Leonardo #1. They saw how bastardish you all were being, and they thought they’d help me out. Just to let you know that they’re on my side.

Leonardo #1 seems to be Eastman & Laird’s cover version of Lennon’s “Happy Xmas (War Is Over).” We’ve got most of the gang at April’s apartment, indulging in Yuletide frivolities, living their joyous little lives of indoor trees and radish rosettes, while meanwhile Leonardo is getting his ass handed to him by swarms of Foot.

It’s like when I was a kid, vibrating with impatience, wondering which of the latest Playmates variants — Frankenstein Michaelangelo? Slam Dunk Don? Full Metal Jacket Leonardo? * — would be finding its way under the tree, and one of those Sally Struthers ads would come on TV and remind of what an ungrateful little shit I was for feeling any happiness ever.

I never sent in any money to those charities.  I hadn’t seen enough All in the Family at that point in my life for Sally Struthers to have gained the profound influence over my life that she holds today, and I guess hungry kids just didn’t do it for me on their own.  Especially such horrendously ugly ones — woah, calm down there.  This isn’t a racial thing.  I’m not saying they’re ugly because of skin colour, I’m saying they’re ugly because they’re so thin.  We get all pissed off when we glamourize these toothpick supermodels in our society, and yet when when I make the same criticisms about over there, suddenly I’m the monster?  We ask you to check your double-standards at the door, here at the Perp.

Getting back to what matters, we’ve got Leonardo running through snowy New York, alternately chasing and getting pummeled by Foot ninja (side note: “Ninja” can be either a countable or an uncountable noun, further evidence of their adaptability), while the rest are trimming and decorating the Xmas tree at healthy American female April O’Neil’s apartment.  The issue leaps back and forth between the two stories, and all the while, in the background, we sense something.  There’s a build-up, a event is coming, a big one, until finally we witness the terrifying return of …

… Klunk the cat.  Much like Santa Claus, Klunk hasn’t been seen since last Christmas.  The thing is, in book #10 we’ll witness the Foot enter April’s place and burn it to the ground.  And I see no evidence that the escaping heroes brought Klunk with them, so I have to conclude that the cat died in the fire.  That’s very sad, and yet it’s still another way Klunk is similar to Santa Claus, who died in an electrical fire (and not, as is commonly believed, a chimney fire out-of-control) on Christmas Eve back in ’41.

Rest in Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward Men, Klunk.

* For the record, I never actually wanted any of these hideous abortions. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say about the infinite lame TMNT variants in the future.

65% Original Material

I’m guessing Leonardo #1 is where they got a lot of the ideas for the first movie. In 1990′s nine-time Academy-Award-winner, a rooftop-prowling Raphael gets mucked up by the Foot and winds up tossed, barely alive, into April’s apartment. Here it’s Leonardo. And in the film, the only film on IMDB to have a perfect 10.0 rating (that’s with over 400,000 votes), Raphael’s embitchening is followed by a wicked, multi-floor ninja battle. So, the tragedy of not having that particular issue is lessened by my knowing basically what happened.

But the tragedy is then un-lessened by how god damned awesome this issue is. This is the big one, the one we’ve been waiting for. If Leonardo #1 was anywhere near this good, then I’m really missing out. And that’s a pain I’m just not equipped to handle.

I must live vicariously through this book. Like in the movie (which made over a hundred best-of lists that year, by the way), things in #10 escalate. A minor ninja skirmish becomes a full-fledged ninja broohaha. The apartment fight moves downstairs, to April’s antiques shop.

But by now, everyone’s feeling a wee pooped from doling out ninja death. The boys would rather take a nap than continue the slaughter. Things look dark.

Just then, a guardian angel comes to the rescue, in the traditional angelic method, by crushing skulls with his baseball bats. Casey Jones steps in, good people. Just like in the third-highest-grossing movie off all time.

Though the sequence isn’t completely the same as that film, which has become something of a holiday classic in the 18 years since its release, in that in the book it marks the big return (for all but Leonardo, I guess) of the Shredder. This dramatic moment was not possible in the motion picture with the all-time record number of consecutive weeks at number 1, as the Shredder had not yet been introduced to the leads, and thus could not return.

So this moment is more akin to the scene in the second film (which holds no records and won no awards), where the Turtles learn that Oroku Saki’s ninja skills allowed him to survive having his head crushed by a garbage truck. (That’s a plot issue that I might just have to address in the future.)

What else happened here that also happened in filmdom’s highest international grosser? Let’s run it down:

• The floor of April’s apartment / ceiling of April’s antiques shop collapses.
• The building catches fire.
• They escape through a hidden door.
• They flee to the midwest.

But before you start questioning the originality of the only film to win the Nobel Peace Prize, let me just remind you that it wasn’t entirely taken from the comic book. There’s the above item in regards to the Shredder, there’s the fact that Splinter was present and not missing for the fight in the comics, there’s the Christmastime setting of E&L’s book. And then there’s the whole thing where in the movie, everyone’s all moving around and stuff.

Tragedy Strikes

No.

How can this be?

Do I really not have this issue? And it’s not yet posted at NinjaTurtles.com? I HAVEN’T READ, AND CANNOT READ, LEONARDO #1.

And look at this final page:

Gah!

Damn This Nostalgia-for-Its-Own-Sake

I’m baffled by this one.

It’s not the whole astral plane, ancient-ninja-body-swapping plot. It’s not the disillusioned corporate son with prophetic dreams of ancient battles who, it turns out, is the chosen one. It’s not even the giant talking rat and turtles.

It’s the title. For this issue only, they renamed it “Eastman & Laird’s Pre-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.

I didn’t even notice this change until my second glance-through, and I didn’t notice anything odd the first go ’round. There’s no reason at all this story needs to be a prequel. Having it take place after the Cerebrus ado would work just fine, so it’s not a continuity thing. And it’s not a character thing, because these guys are still the same collections of basic traits they’d always been. Really, the only difference is in the wardrobe department. They’re wearing full head scarves instead of bandanas, and their elbow pads are different.

It’s amazing how our tastes change as we get older.

The plot of this one is indeed some trippy bullshit. A dying Japanese sage gives Splinter a ring via international direct-dial meditation. Seems his grandson is the only living successor to his family line of powerful, magic ninjas, but he’s at risk of falling off the path, into an evil life of wealth and success and in the corporate world. Why this wealth and success is evil, they never really explain.

Grandpa’s too frail to get out of bed, so he and Splinter do a little Like Father Like Son mind swap. Of course, if the old man kicks before they’ve swapped back, it’s Splinter that’s gonna move on to that big astral plane in the sky. Thus, we have a countdown to add tension to the story, and countdowns really work well in comic books.

I’ve noticed some similarities between the astral plane and this here Internet, in terms of how people meet up. The old bushido man basically random-friends Splinter, the two chat for a while, trade some info, flirt a bit. Until finally the old guy says what’s on his mind (“I want to be inside you”), which makes things a bit awkward. In a lot of cases, the decision Splinter made to accept would be a bad call — he doesn’t know this guy, has no idea if he’s being honest.

What I’m saying is it was really trusting of Splinter to go along with this guy’s plans, because he could’ve just refused to switch back. “Oh, you want your healthy, virile rat body back? Hmm. No, I think I’ll keep it and you can hang out in that decrepit old sack of meat until it croaks. Yeah, sure, go ahead and tell someone. Tell someone you’ve mind-swapped with me, and that you should really be a four-foot talking rat living in the New York sewer system. I totally bet they’ll help you.”

But the old guy’s the good kind of Craigs List hookup. They swap back in good time, so things work out for Splinter. And the Turtles fight off some ninja assassins, so things work out for the reader.

Incidentally, the whole “when they were younger” prequel-type episode thing is something that is usually reserved for later on in a series’ run, once the idea well starts to run dry. Once again, TMNT has played one of the desperate cards a tad early. Maybe it’s storytelling incompetence, but here’s a new theory: what if this is all completely intentional? What if E&L are doing it so early on just to get it out of the way?

Coming up in issue #10: the Turtles and April sit around the sewer lair and reminisce about past adventures, like when they fought the Shredder, when they teleported to deep space and met the Fugutoid, and when they helped the mind-swapped Splinter show a disillusioned corporate son with prophetic dreams of ancient battles that he, it turns out, is the chosen one.

]]> http://culturatmnti.wordpress.com/2008/05/11/9-september-1986/feed/ 5 Beal Apparently, to the TMNT, a doo-rag is ''formal wear''. Why fuck up the acronym when you could've gone with ''Tweener Mutant Ninja Turtles''? Unfortunately, it took me eleven hours to finish reading the comic book. It doesn't matter how long it lasted, you should still call the police. Ninja leapfrog is like regular leapfrog, only stealthy. Now that's what I call a sticky situation!